The Hag's Television
by Miz-KTakase
Summary: So, Kikuko Hattori got herself a brand-new television, from Akari & her Mom, and she is told to test it out in Zina's place. The Hag is very happy with her new television, that is, until some TV viewers decided to intervene with her fun, watching a movie. Will The Hag be able to get her TV? Rated T for language and mild sexual themes.


**_(Narrated by Kikuko Hattori)_**

* * *

_When I was only a wee child of 17, my sister and I usually play games and such, even work in our ninja village. But on some occasions, we sort of want to live normally, like normal people… This was, perhaps, the start of how I came to past. One day, in Daikoku Village, Sakurako and I were talking about it…_

In the past, a young Kikuko, with long gray hair and two hazel eyes, wearing a pink kimono, was talking with a girl with tan skin, the same hair and eyes as her, and a blue kimono. This as her twin sister, Sakurako.

"Sis?" She asked her.

"What?"

"When are we going to get a television set?"

Kikuko asked, "Television?"

Sakurako said, "Sure, we should have a television in our village… You know, like what goes on in the news or the weather."

Kikuko said, "We can't afford a television set."

"But the village across the river has one, and they even had an aerial hooked up."

_At the time, I was away from social gadgetry that these young'uns usually hold, but television too new to me… I was born before television was even invented._

Kikuko barked, "Television is nothing but radio with eyesore. I can't sit at my hut, every night, watching commercials, movies, sports, and more."

_And yes, this was before I met my one true love… Anime!_

"If I wanna buy something, I'll go to the shop and buy it! Besides, I like quiet in my hut! NO television!"

Sakurako was crying, as Kikuko gave in. She cried, "Alright, alright! Fine! We'll get a television! I can listen to radio in the chief's hut…"

Sakurako smiled, "YOU WILL? Great!"

She pulled out a huge box and said, "Here! I thought the villagers keep it safe, before I ask you."

Kikuko was stunned, as she was had by Sakurako.

_And that's how I started to get into television… especially since I enjoy anime and such._

* * *

**_Present day…_**

In Zina's house, Kikuko & Cy were installing a brand-new television.

_Moving on, the lad's friend, Akari, got herself a brand-new television set that she won in a raffle… However, she has no room to fit it in her house, and her mother, Mari, says she can't afford to have it. I want that TV for myself, since I needed a bigger one. So, we had to test it at Zina's place, before I can haul it to my secret room._

Kikuko, in her black dress, with an eyepatch over her left eye, was fixing the television with a small girl in an orange summer dress, and her light brown hair done in a left ponytail.

Kikuko smiled, "Thanks again for fixing up the TV in Zina's house."

Cy smiled, "Dank you. Imma eggs-pewd in installing machines."

Kikuko smirked, "I can tell, since you're an android and all. Besides, I was just doing Mari a favor, after all."

Cy said, "Indeed. I dismantled the TV, so we can wee-install it. You wannit to wok wight, wight?"

Kikuko nodded, "Of course."

Cy held up the huge picture tube and said, "Here, I'll put the tube in the TV."

She suddenly dropped it and bounced off the floor. Cy caught it, as she smiled, "Aw, it's light as a feather."

Kikuko smiled, "Lemme hold it."

She held the picture tube and dropped it to the floor.

**SMASH!  
**Kikuko destroyed the picture tube. She was upset, as Cy smiled, "Das okay. I can have dat wepaired, in a couple minutes. Dis is pwetty good tools."

_I feel awful for having to install the TV, after we destroyed it… but is it right to let HER fix it?_

**XXXXX**

_Minutes later, the TV was set up, as I looked for Cy._

"Cy?" Kikuko asked, "Where are you?"

She sighed and said, "Possibly with Zina, under repairs to herself. But, at last! MY NEW TV!"

_I was excited that my TV is finished~! I get to watch anime, in high resolution, higher than before!_

Kikuko turned on the TV, as Zina, a woman in a revealing red kimono, called, "Have you seen Cy? It's time for her daily maintenance check-up."

Kikuko grinned, as she was watching TV. Zina gasped, as she asked, "I wonder what channel is this."

Kikuko saw Cy in the TV, as she waved, "Hi, Zina~!"

Kikuko cried, "GET OUT OF THE TV! You're ruining my night!"

Cy said, "Almost finished! I need ta install dis tube into the socket dere."

_Oh, well… At least we know where she is now. It took about three days to install it, but at last. My new TV set._

* * *

_Sadly, Zina said that she and Cy will come here and make immediate repairs to the set. However, before I could bring it to my room, the set stays with Zina, for one final testing. And it's the important test._

Kikuko spread out two TV chairs into the living room, as a boy in brown hair hissed, "Hag? What is this?"

A girl in black hair, wearing a white dress, asked, "Oh, these are TV chairs."

"Television chairs?"

_And apparently, the lad's one of them… Ugh… He even brought Enju with him._

"Of course. Kikuko-san says that we got to have a place to sit, while we watch TV."

"A place to sit?" Kazuki complained, "What's that, that, that, and that?" pointing at different chairs.

Enju smiled, "Oh, come now, Kazuki. She says we are the first two guests to watch TV with her."

He sighed, "Maybe you're right."

Kikuko said, "Well, hello there, you two!"

He barked, "I don't know or care how you got a television set, Hag, but how much were the chairs?"

Kikuko nervously tittered, "Uh… _Twelve Thousand Five Hundred Yen_…"

He gulped, "12,500 Yen?" He narrated, "TV – 39,000 Yen, Replacement Parts – 9,000 Yen, TV Chairs – 12,500 Yen, Old Hag, stubborn – Priceless! There are things money _can't_ buy…"

He snuffed, "It better be worth it."

Kikuko smiled, "Pop a squat, me lads. And prepare yourself for TV magic."

Enju asked, "Do you already have a TV?"

Kikuko nodded, "Aye, lass. However, this one's BIGGER. Mari was nice enough to loan it to me. And I needed the heavy lifting to help me bring it up. Kazuki?"

He moaned, "Ohhhhh… Come on, you're pushing me too much!"

Kikuko said, "Right. I'll set the channels, and YOU… just enjoy."

She held up a remote, as she said, "Let's hope the channels are enjoyable."

Enju glared at her, "You're doing this for anime, are you?"

Kikuko turned the TV on, and then smiled happily.

_And so, I was ready to watch some television, in a brand-new high-res TV! My life was enjoyable… or so I thought…_

A cooking show was on, as the chef was stirring some dough. Enju huffed, "Kikuko-san, turn the channel. We just had dinner."

Kikuko bawled, "AW!"

She changed the channel, as it switched to a wrestling match, pitting two women, in spandex. Kazuki blushed, "WHOA! Women's Wrestling? It's popular in Japan!"

Kikuko smirked, "Have a ball, lad~!"

Enju glared, "Hentai! Change it!"

Kikuko huffed, "Alright, alright…"

He moaned, "Come on… I want to watch it."

_I didn't get this TV for YOU, boy._

Enju sparked up and hissed, "You can do better than that, hentai! I hate wrestling!"

The screen went into white noise and static, as Kikuko snarled, "Cy's fault. What a mechanic."

She approached the TV Set and banged on it. Kikuko smiled, as the picture came back.

_Now I think it's a good time to switch to Play Form, for a commercial break…_

The TV played a commercial. A man in a green suit was in the background.

(Man): When you're nice and ready, slap it on, wipe it off, and _never _any fear of offending.

(Scene switches to a couple sitting together)

(Announcer): From the makers that brought you _Ytniad _(_yit-nyad_), comes the revolutionary cologne and perfume for men and women. Introducing _Yojnin_ (_Yodge-nin_)! Don't be safe all of the time, be _Yojnin_, for _Yotnin _backwards spells _Ninjoy_! Just slap it on and wipe it off.

(Cuts to the man being sprayed by cologne)

(Announcer): Unlike _Ytniad_, _Yojnin_ penetrates the follicles where chlorophyll never thinks of going. It's better and quicker acting than the cheapest perfume. And it's long-lasting, up to 24 hours of a dainty ninjoy smell. Don't be safe some of the time, be _Yojnin_!

Enju was annoyed, "Ugh… What kind of commercial sells perfume like that?"

Kazuki said, "Oh, I think it looks great on you."

Enju asked, "Excuse me?!"

He smiled, "I mean, you'll smell even better than you were. You're of a scent of strawberries and lilacs."

She blushed, as she was nervous, "Uh… Wh-wh-what makes you say I smell? You don't smell like lilies, either! Hentai!"

She sparked up, as Kikuko said, "Oh, come now. Let's watch the program. The commercial's over."

The screen switches back to the wrestling match, as a man was spraying perfume onto the wrestlers. The wrestlers stopped and smiled, "We use _Yojnin_!" Then they resumed fighting.

Kazuki was shuttered, "Ugh… How scary…"

Enju glared, sparking up lightning, "Kikuko-san…"

Kikuko barked, "HOLD IT! If you shoot lightning at the lad, you might break the TV! And _you're _paying for it!"

"ME?!" Kazuki barked, "YOU GOT THE SET FROM AKARI! WHY DO _I _HAVE TO BE BLAMED FOR THIS?"

Enju roared, "ENOUGH! KIKUKO-SAN! REMOTE! NOW! OR ELSE!"

Kikuko sobbed, "I know! I know! You don't like wrestling…"

_(Kazuki): Wow… The hag's really nervous over the new TV. I better watch what I say, from now on, in front of Enju._

_(Kikuko): HEY! This is MY narration, boy! I'm the star of this story! Get your own segment to narrate! You had your fill of it in the series, already!_

_(Kazuki): Hag! Fine…_

Kikuko changed it to another movie, but the screen was warped and the sound was mute. Kazuki asked, "What's _this _channel?"

Enju smiled, "OH! It's the _Murakame Theatre! _They play great movie classics, every week."

Kazuki asked, "Even silent pictures?"

Enju said, "They don't do silent pictures. I bet the TV is messing the sound up."

Kikuko growled, "The last time I let an android repair _anything_. Dope!"

Enju said, "Well, have Zina take a look at it, after the show. See if you can get another channel…"

Kikuko smiled, "Alright, fine."

Enju barked, "But NO anime!"

Kikuko sobbed, "Hau…"

_NO anime, she says. Fine… This is a test-run, after all. And these guys want to watch something that they can agree on. This is the last time I ever let Zina & Cy fix ANYTHING. Dopes._

She shifted to a prime time channel, as a girl in purple hair was sitting in the desk, "And now, folks, for your viewing pleasure, a million dollar movie classic, brought to you by that good ol' brew of brews, _Hackensplitz Beer_."

She toasted to the audience, and continued, "Tonight we bring you the 1936 classic, entitled, _The Courtship of Mika Hirakawa_. Roll it!"

Kikuko sat down, as she smiled, "Now we're talking."

Kazuki said, "Yeah, good idea. Classic gems are a way to go."

Enju nodded, "Oh, I can't object to it. A classic seems fine."

_HAH! Got them. At last, peace and quiet. Hello, new TV~._

The door knocked, as Kikuko said, "Come in!"

Cy & Zina appeared, as Cy asked, "Onii-chan! Enju! Kikuko! We came to see how the TV is woking. Zina wants to know if her favorite show is on."

Kikuko said, "It's fine, as it is."

Zina said, "Do you mind if we watch TV with you?"

Kikuko said, "Yes. But don't touch it."

Kazuki boomed, "NO!"

_Good work, me lad._

Cy smiled, "Great~!"

Zina smiled, "Any room?"

Enju said, "You can sit here, if you like."

_Good work, me lad… Ugh… Why did you let them in?_

Cy examined the TV, as Kikuko barked, "HEY! I said, don't touch it!"

Zina called, "Cy, sit down!"

Cy said, "Say! No wunner your TV iz not woking pwopewy… No antenna."

Zina said, "It's not analog, Cy. It's digital."

Cy sighed, "Awwww…"

Cy sat down, sitting next to Kazuki. Zina was sitting with Enju, and Kikuko is left without a seat. They continued to watch TV, until the doorbell rang. Kikuko offered, "Lad, answer the door."

Kazuki smiled, "Uh-uh. I'm not missing this movie."

Enju said, "Not me."

Kikuko was annoyed, as everyone was pinned to the movie. She went to the door, as a girl in blonde hair and blue overalls appeared, with a woman with long blonde hair, done in a ponytail, a blue sweater, and a white apron. It was Akari Hanao and her mother, Mari.

"Oh! Mari-san, what brings _you _here?" Kikuko asked.

Mari said, "We wanted to see how the new TV is. We saw your aerial for the TV, and we wanted to see how it goes."

Akari smiled, "Mind if we watch with you?"

Kikuko said, "I _do _mind. Come by and watch, anytime."

Akari walked in, "Say, thanks!" She and her mom walked in. Kikuko was crossed, as she slammed the door.

_Why me?_

Akari smiled, "ENJU~! KAZUKI~!"

Enju smiled, "Hey, Akari~!"

Cy called, "Akawi! Mama! You came!"

Kazuki asked, "You invited them over, Cy?"

Mari said, "Oh, we couldn't miss this, for the world. The TV Akari won, I want to see if it's working well."

Zina said, "It took us three days to get it working. Cy and Kikuko were great help."

Cy smiled, "Yup!"

Kazuki said, "I'm glad I didn't help."

Kikuko huffed, "_You're _glad?"

Mari said, "It was awfully nice of you to let us come with."

As they enjoyed the movie, the commercial cuts to the girl in purple hair.

"Like it so far? Well, you can't enjoy a movie, without the frosty tall taste of _Hackensplitz Beer_."

Akari said, "That reminds me, I'm thirsty… Do we have any juice?"

Kikuko said, "Sounds right. We'll have beer for me, Mari, & Zina, and the rest can have fruit juice."

Cy called, "Oh, no! NO beer! Zina will not dwink any!"

Zina pouted, "It's true. I have had a little, last night. But we do have a couple bottles of juice, in the fridge."

Kikuko sighed, "Ugh… No alcohol?"

Mari said, "Come now. These kids need some entertainment. And you can see we have plenty for everyone."

Kikuko said, "Fine. Lad, off your duff and serve us women juice!"

Mari barked, "OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT! If HE wants to watch the movie, he'll watch it."

Kazuki said, "Yeah, Hag! I'm not leaving my seat!"

Akari cried, "MOM! I'm watching the movie!"

_How could he? Do you know who has seniority here? I'm the oldest here! I have to put my foot down!_

"ALRIGHT! If that's how it is…" Kikuko boomed, "NO BEER, then NO TV! END OF STORY!"

Mari grabbed the remote, and had a smile on her face. Suddenly, her happy face was shrouded with a demonic and shadowy aura, "Oh, if you wouldn't serve us juice, then you don't get the TV we offer to you. But I do believe that you are in a need of manners, after your outburst… Right?"

Mari menacingly grins at Kikuko, as she shuddered, "How many?"

They raise their hands, as Mari smiled, "That's better. And NO saké."

Kikuko walked off and grumbled, "Bloody little…"

_I can't believe them… It's MY TV! MY Television! MY rules! And they took away my liquor rights! Juice… Unbelievable…_

She went to the kitchen, scared straight, as she went to serve juice.

"And now, back to the picture."

**XXXXX**

Minutes later, she served the juice, while the others were watching the movie. Kikuko sat down and just drank some water. The TV played another commercial, as the girl in purple returned, with a bowl of potato chips.

"And try our crispy, crunchy… _*munch* Chocobo Potato Chips_!"

Akari said, "Those potato chips sound pretty good."

Mari said, "I don't think we have any-."

Zina said, "Yes, we do. I bought two bags, last night, after Cy went to the store for me."

Cy smiled, "Yep! I helped Zina~!"

Kikuko barked, "I got you your juice! What more do you-?"

"Kikuko…" Mari glared at her, in a smile that is frightening.

Kikuko marches off, back to the kitchen, as she called, "And I suppose YOU LOT want a refill!"

They nodded, focused on the TV, as Kikuko roared, "AGH!"

_I've had all I can take! No… Just serve the juice… and have the potato chips… but… I know. I'll sneak in some ale for me. Heh-heh-heh-heh… That'll show them._

"Good ol' _Hackensplitz_!"

Cy moaned, "I'm bored. I wanna see if a cartoon is on."

Zina said, "No, _Racket Busters _is fine."

Kazuki complained, "Now, wait a minute, I want the wrestling match!"

Akari cried, "NO! I want to watch a sitcom!"

Enju cried, "But the movie was getting good!"

Mari called, "Everyone, calm down!"

They suddenly got up, as they fought over the remote, wanting to get another channel. While Kikuko was getting the snacks, everyone was fighting for the remote.

"Come on, I want to watch!"  
"Cy, get your hands off the remote!"  
"Give me the wrestling match!"  
"I wanna watch!"  
"Wait a minute!"  
"Lemme watch!"  
"NO FAIR!"  
"CY, LET GO OF THE REMOTE!"  
"I want to watch something!"  
"WAIT A MINUTE!"

Enju roared, "**WAIT A MINUTE!**"

Everyone stopped, as Kazuki nodded, "Everyone, we cannot decide what we want to watch! This isn't fair. I say we watch what the Hag watches!"

Akari said, "But it's unfair to what _you _want to watch."

Enju said, "Believe me, I won't like it."

Kazuki said, "Well, I wanna watch the wrestling match, with those girls in spandex."

They gasped, as he asked, "Uh… was it something I said?"

Zina huffed, "Pathetic. You now pro wrestling is fixed."

Mari smiled, "And those cute outfits… You weren't thinking of anything lewd, are you?"

"Uh…" He whimpered.

Akari was annoyed, "WHAT?" She barked, "Kazuki, you jerk!"

She shoved him down, knocking onto Kikuko.

**SPLASH!  
**Kikuko and Enju were drenched in juice and ale, and Kazuki landed onto Enju's breasts, on the floor.

Akari gasped, "AGH! Kazuki, what are you doing?"

Kazuki moaned, "What hit me?"

The others cleaned Kikuko off, as Enju growled, "Kazuki Araya… in public, of all places?"

_(Kazuki): As I looked at Enju, she is soaked to the bone in sticky juice. Plus, most of her clothes is see-through, being it's a fluid. I slowly got up, only for a closer look._

_(Kikuko): YOU DID IT AGAIN, LAD! **MY** NARRATION! **MINE!**_

Enju barked, as she sparked from her body, "YOU HENTAI!"

"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! AKARI SHOVED ME!"

Akari sobbed, "I can't believe you!"

Cy said, "It's fine. Akawi stawted it, but Onii-chan has a pervy smile, again."

Kazuki gulped, "URK!"

Enju snarled, "I knew it… YOU DIRTY ROTTEN HENTAI-!"

"**LISTEN!**" Kikuko hollered at the top of her lungs, as the clamoring stopped. She called out in anger, "You can sit in my chairs, drink my beer, eat my potato chips, ban me from beer, make me serve snacks to you, but LEAVE THE TELEVISION SET ALONE! _I'LL _DECIDE THE PROGRAM!"

Enju gasped in shock, as Mari scolded, "Kikuko-san! You should be ashamed of yourself!" She then said to Kazuki, "And you! How dare you make a _force majeure_ in public?"

Kazuki sobbed, "I can't help it! The hag is usually the one with the problem, since she drinks more than you!"

The others were shocked and speechless, until Kikuko chimed in, "OH, I'm drunk, am I? Well, fancy that, me lad! You call me drunk, after you swig a glass of juice, and wasted my perfectly good glass of ale!"

Cy gasped, "NO! You had alcohol, Kikuko?"

Enju roared, "SHAME ON YOU! What if _we _had that drink?"

Kikuko yelled, "I don't know! You can chastise the lad, all you want, but you can get NO TV!"

Kazuki cried, "HAG! ARE YOU CRAZY?!"

Kikuko held up an empty glass and barked, "Well, maybe I am! I'm also drunk, like you said! And when you're drunk, you don't know what you're doing, you go crazy, you go out of your mind! Why, a drunken woman can grab a glass of juice, and toss it INTO THE TELEVISION SET!"

**SMASH!  
**"**I'M OUT OF MY MIND!**" She hollered, after she threw the glass of juice into the TV set, destroying it.

She ran off and barked out to the rest of them, "HAH! CRAZY?! Well, if _you're _sane, I'd rather _be _crazy!"

She ran out the door, as Cy sobbed, "Aw… No more television…"

She smiled, "Oh, well. I'll have it fixed, by the end of the hour."

Enju smiled, "Thanks, Cy."

Kazuki said, "Can I still watch it?"

Akari said, "I'm sorry… All's forgiven, Kazuki." She hugged him.

Enju hugged him, as she smiled, "Forgive me…"

They share a huge hug, but suddenly… Enju moaned, as she was stuck, "Uh… I can't get out…"

"EW! You're sticky!" Akari sobbed.

Kazuki cried, "Enju?! How did you-?"

Cy said, "Apparently, Kikuko put ale in some of the juice cups."

Mari blushed, "Oh, my… I'm pretty sure that stuff comes off. … … …maybe."

Kazuki cried, as he was stuck in stickiness, "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!"

Kikuko was outside, as she left through the front door. She stopped by a girl in dark blue hair, an orange top and denim jeans, as she smiled, "I just saw your aerial, fam!"

"I KNOW!" Kikuko roared, "GO RIGHT IN!"

Yamabuki, Ricka, Lily, Tengge, and Nanao ran in, as Kikuko hollered at them, "ENJOY! HAVE A LOAD! **FREE MOVIE!**"

She stormed off, as the rest of the Ninja Seeking Club went into Cy's home, for their television viewing… … …as soon as the TV is fixed up.

_It's not worth it, anymore! I don't care if the lad gets what he deserves! IT'S NOT WORTH IT! They can KEEP the blasted television! Next time I have someone give me a prize, I'll enjoy it for MYSELF!  
I guess I know how it feels… Isn't that right, Johnny?_

* * *

**_Epilogue_**

* * *

Kikuko was at the movie theater, as she purchased a ticket to see a movie, starring Mio Akiyama.

"One senior, please." She paid for the ticket.

She got her ticket, as the cashier said, "Oh, here, keep your stub for the special event tonight."

"Thank you."

She walked to the usher, and handed him the ticket. The usher gave her back the stub, but he said, "Miss? You're customer #3,000! You won the XBOX Live – our door prize!"

"Really?" Kikuko smiled.

"Yeah. We'll deliver it to you, after the program."

"Thank you!" She smiled, as she pranced off.

**XXXXX**

At the movie theater, she was viewing a scene of a woman in black hair, sitting next to a boy in spiky brown hair. Kikuko was in the front row, as she said to a woman in black hair, "You know, that Mio Akiyama lass is the perfect love interest."

The woman said, "Thank you."

Kikuko's eye widened, as she saw Mio Akiyama, in-person. She turned to the man in brown hair and whispered, "Hey, lad! Do you know who I was sitting next to-?"

He got up and shushed her, "Yeah. Be quiet, child."

"But that's…"

"My wife."

"You're married to Mio?"

"Yes. And I was sitting next to her, before you stole my seat, kid!"

He switched places with Kikuko, as he sat next to his wife. He then said to Kikuko, "Oh, and give me back my popcorn."

He took the bag, as Kikuko recognized them, "Mio Akiyama. Geo Stelar. In the flesh!"

Geo shushed her, as Kikuko nodded, turning her attention to the movie.

Mio asked him, "Who was that?"

Geo said, "Oh, some gray-haired kid playing pirate."

Apparently, Geo doesn't know that Kikuko is actually an old person in a teenager's body. They enjoyed the movie, though Kikuko's eye was mostly focused on the couple, sitting next to her.

* * *

**_Thanks for reading!_**


End file.
